Five Ways to Fix the Government

by Jim Kopetz

Five easy steps to restoring the honor and dignity of our government officials.

Let us get down to business. Five ways to clean up government bullshit.

1. Every politician must wear patches indicating corporations and companies that have donated to their election. The bigger the patch, the larger the donation. That way we know who our representatives are truly representing.

2. More voting. I believe there should be a referendum of some kind every Tuesday. If people are upset about taxes, what programs would they like to see cut? Keep government local.

3. Administer lie-detectors to each participant of a political debate. Speak the truth or be embarrassed by high-pitched squeals and bright red blinkers.

4. Force each candidate to eat a decent dose of mescaline and film it over a 24 hour period.

5. Praise personal experience, both positive and negative. Look at each candidate's history of drug use, social interaction, and academics. What may look bad on paper could be a positive experience in terms of legislation.

If you have any other suggestions or ideas, please leave your comments below. This is the prelude to the end of the world.