Mitt Romney, John Travolta, and the Sins of Man

by Jim Kopetz

There has been much talk lately of Mitt Romney's past, which includes pranks and a homophobic beat-down. But what bothers me is something much stranger, much deeper in the heart of Mr. Romney. Also he encounters John Travolta and loses his mind in the process.

Do I believe Mitt Romney is homophobic? Yes and no. No doubt his religious views have soured him on the idea of gay marriage, the go-to verses in Leviticus are easy enough to find. Does he fear them? Probably. Whenever the topic of homosexuality is brought up his eyes begin to tremble and he shakes uncontrollably. But this is Romney v. 2.7. Go back to the nineties and you may find a different man following a very different dogma. As I've said before, a metamorphosis has occurred and he has become a "Stepford" Conservative Republican. But that's beside the point.

The question that remains is did Mitt believe this man to be gay and is that the reason for the abuse? I honestly think that being a Mormon in the fifties/sixties meant not knowing much about those who "putt from the rough". I don't believe Mitt did it because of suspected homosexuality. I believe Mitt did it because he was attracted to this long-haired blonde. And that scared him.

The real concern I have with the whole ordeal is that Mitt was sober. We have all done idiotic things in our lives, things we regret. But for a large segment of us, and I hope I'm not wrong on this, regret the things we said or did when we were drunk. The fools we made of ourselves. No one regrets a simple prank. "Boys will be boys," as the saying goes. But this was no prank. Mitt, sober as a judge, led a mob after this poor boy and physically assaulted him.

And then he met John Travolta, and things began to get weird. Travolta has been in the headlines recently, accused of sexually molesting quite a number of masseurs. While Travolta has been troubled by rumors regarding his sexuality for most of his career, this seems to be a bogus claim. That is until he met Mitt Romney.

I got word the other day from someone in the political underground who alerted me to the fact that Travolta once took Romney to a spa in some seedy New York alleyway. Mitt, running for the Republican nomination at the time was looking to get some celebrity endorsements and gladly accepted Mr. Travolta's request to meet. From a rough translation by a lady-boy masseuse, Mr. Travolta and Mr. Romney shared a room, undressed, and laid on the massage tables. The two masseurs entered, nude of course, and Romney, at the sight of a woman with a cock the size of a small horse freaked out. He jumped off the bed and flipped the table over, screaming about Joseph Smith and his underpants. It was at that time that Mr. Travolta noticed said underpants and attempted to rub them. Mr. Romney jumped back, squeezing his nipples and screaming incoherently. Mr. Travolta then offered him a drink and he slapped it away, tearing up. At this point Mr. Romney left the room and ran out of the facility screeching in horror. Mr. Travolta continued the massage.

As I said it's a rough translation, but it seems reasonable enough. This is the prelude to the end of the world.